Baby You Got Me Checking in my Rear View Mirror

There’s a lady in my mirror.

She wasn’t there before but she sure as hell is now. She seems to have a very big head but that might just be a trick of perspective.

She is, after all, very very close to me.

I have to drive a little bit, for my job. One day most weeks I make a six or seven hour round trip journey. And this sort of thing seems to be happening a lot to me lately. I’m tipping along, minding my own beeswax when I happen to glance in the mirror and there’s a woman back there, driving her own little car - extremely close behind mine.

This often used to happen with guys – big hairy-arsed sweaty fellas who only wanted to get past you and on up the road to their mother. They may be no fun at all but at least they’re kind of understandable – They suffer ‘Alpha Male Delusions’ coupled with ‘Penis-Envy’… or something like that. Guys just tend to do this type of crap – it’s a given.

But, correct me if you think you need to, but Gals didn’t used to drive like this – not here anyway.

I’m not really sexist about driving matters. Reverse sexist, perhaps – I’ve always thought women were much safer drivers than us guys. I figured that they used their lack of imagination and vision on the road as a protective shield and that this has generally worked very well for them.

(God, I’m in trouble now).

But lately it’s always ladies in my rear view mirror, intently focusing on staying within four inches of my rear bumper.

So, what to do?

I’ve got bored with throwing on the rear fog lights and watching those gals vanish over the horizon as they stomp on their brakes. It’s a short-lived pleasure - they invariably come back, pissed-off as hell, and then they shorten the gap down to two inches.

Sometimes I will click on the hazard warning lights. That generally pushes them back a bit but only for a little while. When they realise that there’s no great hazard up ahead they come back up again.

Maybe I’ve just got an attractive exhaust-pipe (it has been said).

What I really wish is that I could have a large electronic display on the rear window that would flash pre-programmed messages to those intent ladies out back of me.

Subtle messages like, ‘You are Driving Very Close to Me Today… Do You Like Me?’

Straight-to-the-point things like, ‘BACK OFF LADY’.

Or, striving for good-natured wit, ‘While you’re there, would you mind terribly rolling down my rear passenger window a bit?’

Sometimes, in desperation, I just pull in and wave them past. Go on, leave me alone.

But they don’t go. These ladies don’t want to pass me out, they just want to drive behind me. Really really close behind me.

And, boy, I so wish they didn’t.

* * * *

Finally, for now. The title of today’s post comes from a song that I like.

You can have 100EC if you’re the first to comment with the title and the performer.

And if you’re willing to give me your solemn word of honour that you didn’t look it up, I’ll give you 150EC.


hope said...

Let me be the first female to say, "I DON'T GET IT EITHER!" Then again, I don't have that girl gene for wanting to buy shoes, so that might explain it.

I commute to work every day, about 60 miles round trip. Every other morning the same black lady in a little blue car filled with dents [gee, wonder why?] pulls in behind me, or on top of my rear bumper. I'm not sure which. These folks aren't just annoying, they're dangerous. I've tried everything short of pulling off the road, getting out of the car and pointing out that the road ahead is all hers. My conclusion is that some people are just born stupid, which apparently is incurable...and not confined to one species of gender.

In a warped way, it's kind of comforting to know this annoying behavior isn't confined to Americans in too big a hurry. I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels the occasional need to ask the person behind me to introduce him/herself before entering the backseat of my car with their vehicle.

And I've always wanted one of those flashing signs for my rear window! Perhaps we can get rich marketing them. Mine could reflect the magnet Mom gave me one year. "I have a gun and PMS. Any questions?"

Your money's safe. Don't have a clue about the song/title.

Fiendish said...

I Googled every combination I could think of. No joy. Hopefully someone else will get it.

Just so you know, those little LCD screens are actually available (saw one on an episode of Top Gear, of course). But programming and driving at the same time is probably all kinds of illegal.

And another "just so you know" - the tags on your post aren't separated by commas, so all the words come out as one long tag. Might be helpful to put commas between them so we can browse your back catalogue with ease. I hope this sounds helpful rather than condescending. :)

Fiendish said...

Wait wait wait wait wait -

Is it "Blue Valentines" by Tom Waits? It so is, isn't it? I used Google, though. Of course.

Ken Armstrong said...

100 EC to honest Fiendish!

Well done that (not-too-close-to-my-bumper) girl!!

Anonymous said...

LMAO, Ken! Thanks for the laugh first thing in the am! :)

Anonymous said...

My mother complains all the time that I tailgate, but I DON'T! Really!

I've never rear-ended anyone although I've been rear-ended several times -- doesn't that give you a clue that I'm not really too close???

That's a really long commute, too! I can't imagine being on the road longer than I'm at work and I have an hour's drive each way (50 miles)


Anonymous said...

Maybe they're driving real close because they think you're hot!

I adore Tom Waits...the lyric kept running through my head but I couldn't place it...


Anonymous said...

I was thinking that the craziest drives are inhabitants of Bosnia (that's where I am from), but it is revealing to hear that is happening everywhere.
That kind of people are basically bringing their own problems and frustrations down the road, literally. What they so not realize is that they might hurt other people. They should feel free to kill themselves but without jeopardizing other people lives.
About the song - looks like Airplane by Red Hot Chilly Peppers, but not so sure.

R. Brady Frost said...

Vroooom Vrooom, make room, make room!
I drive so close I know you hate
That I could live on your tailgate!
But your back bumper is looking drab,
And your tasty car looks like a crab!
Perhaps a sticker, or mayhaps two
Could stop me driving close to you.
Keep on truckin, you'll go far,
Or Perhaps, "Save gas- fart in a jar!"

Rachel Fox said...

I didn't know where the title was from either! So that's 1-0 to you.

Driving is over. There are too many cars, too many bad drivers, too many roads. Roll on the horse and cart. As it were.

hope said...

Would you believe on the way home today I heard a study about how people drive?! The study's conclusion: the worst drivers [inclined to road rage] have either lots of bumper stickers, window stickers, [think team sports] or personalized tags. The reasoning was those drivers believe their car is their little world and you shouldn't come near it.

Those without overly personalized cars supposedly believe the road belongs to everyone and we all make mistakes from time to time. :)

Jena Isle said...

Am I late for the "class"? Thinking out loud now ...perhaps you can just ignore them? Ruining your day because of a few inconsiderate people would be sad.

Drive safely.

Ken Armstrong said...

Well, Margaret, that's not my actual 'commute', it's more of a once-a-week trip. I'm in the wonderful situation of walking to and from my office every day (and home for lunch and back) but when I lived in London for many years, I had three+ hours in the car every day. Yuk.

Roxiticus: It's a possibility, remote, but still...

JC thanks for dropping by - lunatic driving is definitely a world-wide phenomenon. It's not the Chilli Peppers (good song)

Is that an 'Original Brady' Brady? Like it! :)

Jena you are wise as ever but it's *so* hard to ignore a lady when she's got you checkin' in your rear view mirror.

And, guys, if you don't know it, try to hear Blue Valentines by Tom Waits - it's a helluva tune.

R. Brady Frost said...

100% Original, just for you Ken!

Jim Murdoch said...

I know very little about Tom Waits. I bought my wife an album a few years ago but the choice was enormous and the Internet was - unusually - not very helpful. The only song I personally know by him is his contribution to Gavin Bryars' Jesus' Blood Never Failed Me Yet which probably won't be in your Top Ten of his greatest hits.

What would you recommend to a newbie?

Ken Armstrong said...

Oh Jim... ask me about Tom and you might lose an hour or two.

Incidentally, although I love practically all things 'Waits-related', I'm going to be a bit contrary here and tell you that I absolutely love 'Jesus Blood...' by Gavin Bryars *but* I think the Tom Waits version seriously diminishes the purity of the piece - he is simply too famous. I loaned my CD of it to a great friend of mine the other day so it's actually on my mind at the mo... 'uncanny that you mention it.

Tom's albums are very diverse in nature, his earliest one - 'Closing Time' is very simple and endearing and many people know him almost exclusively by this. The later his albums get, the more off-the-wall the work tends to become but always bound together by lovely tunes (often concealed behind overtly discordant notes and noises) and drop-dead-good lyrics.

At the moment, I favour 'Rain Dogs' as a pretty good mixture of the weird with the wonderful.

Here's a link to one of his earlier songs from 'The Old Grey'

(How *do* you make hyperlinks nice here?)

Jim Murdoch said...

<A HREF="">'The Old Grey'</A>

= 'The Old Grey'

If you want to know more, click here.

Azure Accessories said...

Congrats on your here from

Funny post...but the actions could be dangerous...some people don't pay enough attention to what is ahead when they are my opinion my adult daughter tailgates and it is because she drives too fast and is in a hurry...all of which I've mentioned to her many times but what do I know I'm her mother right!! :0)


Marion McCready said...

'Maybe I’ve just got an attractive exhaust-pipe'- this had me in hysterics!

Carrie Berry said...

"Is that your exhaust pipe or are you just glad to see me!"

ha, ha. When I was driving across the US in 1986 I found I could increase my fuel efficiency by drafting big trucks. How big is your vehicle? And do you have interesting bumper stickers to read?

Kimmie said...

Our "lack of imagination and vision on the road". Not sexist in the least!!! LOL! Thank You Ken! ;^)

I beg to differ, I think we have very much imagination and vision on the road, if you really take the time to think about it. ;-)

(Now I'm In Trouble) *giggles*

Really, I have to agree with you, when someone is on my rear bumber I get very nervous, especially if I am doing the speed limit and they want to try to push me to go faster. I refuse, so I just wait it out and they will usually pass me. I never tailgate, I am actually guilty of leaving to much space sometimes.

As far as your dilemma...I have to say, you might just have one sexy exhaust pipe! What else could it be? ;-)

Very cheeky post!