In My Mind I’m Going to Colorado

In the run-up to Christmas this year, I was thinking about a tune that evokes Christmas for me personally but which has nothing to do with Christmas at all for anybody else…

… as you do.

The main one that I came up with is this:

If We Hold on Together by Diana Ross

It’s not a highbrow example by any means.  In fact it's a rather twee, lightweight, tune which not that many people may even know.  So why does it invariably say ‘Christmas’ to me?  When I thought a little about that, the memories that came flooding back were warm indeed.

Twenty years ago this year, Trish and I spent a month in Boulder Colorado and that month ran from mid December to Mid January. 

I’ve had enough Christmases at this stage to be able to spot the memorable ones and it is fair to say that this was one of the very best.

We stayed with Trish’s Brother and his family and, for me anyway, it was like Christmas on another planet.  The weather – feet and feet of snow, the geography – a vast open plain leading to the foothills of the Rocky Mountains and, in the opposite direction, the smoggy spires of the Mile High city of Denver.

The skiing was wonderful too, mind.  We skied Breckenridge and Vail, Winter Park and Loveland and it was magnificent and unforgettable.

Everything went to make that year remarkable but mostly, I think, it is remembered because it was a Christmas purely with friends rather than family.  John and Marian are family, of course, but even more-so they are friends and the type of people I would long to be friends-with even if they weren’t family, if you follow me.  Yes, that was the greatest thing about that year.  Trish and I were together and autonomous and we were amongst friends.

And the song?

It was from little Lisa’s favourite film – The Land Before Time  - and she played it on the video over and over again.  The song tied itself up inexorably with that Christmas.

But not, oddly enough, straight away…

… it must have been ten years later.  I’d just got holidays from work the day before and I was listlessly scanning the television channels trying to find the meaning of Christmas or, at least, a good cartoon.  And there was that film, just finishing, the credits rolling and that song playing.

And it all came back to me in a rush.  The times we had, the memories we burned into our minds.

And, ever since, that song has held as a memento of a great, great, moment in our lives.

Happy Christmas, eh?

Insular

Thinking, as I do, about why I like Christmas, I tend to come up with the same answers that most people do. You know the ones, I won’t harp on about them.

Perhaps one reason that I like Christmas is a little out of the ordinary, I’m not sure. It’s best described in the title of the post. ‘Insular’.

Christmas insulates me from the real world for a short time and I love it for that reason. The type of work I do just… stops until the New Year and my world closes in upon itself to become almost entirely about family and rest and bad TV and good books.

Through the year, the world and I are in pretty close contact pretty much all of the time. The insulating quality of this mid-winter holiday is a welcome break from all of that. Apart from some family and friend gatherings in the early moments of the holiday, it’s a quiet reclusive time and it’s enormous good fun.

One of my favourite memories of this type of Christmas insulation is quite a recent one – I would guess seven or eight years ago. The boys had got a Nintendo Gamecube for Christmas and it was a big hit. I was unimpressed with the games Santa had brought so I did some research and went out and bought 'Legend of Zelda, The Wind Waker' – for the boys, of course. Then I sat up all night playing it.

And this is my memory – 3.30am, fire dying in the grate, lights low, couch pulled up close to the television, large box of Roses to hand, playing the game. My wife and boys tucked up safe and warm in bed and my only two concerns in the world a) How to swing that little adventurer boy across the hold of the pirate ship and b) whether to have an orange or a strawberry crème next.

It probably reveals more about me than I normally do in writing but the insular moment I experienced that night remains very special to me.

It may seem odd or even a bit psychopathic to cite a memory such as this as a favourite. Where are the family moments, the revelry, the companionship? I have those too. But this one has a special place.

Happy Christmas to you all.

I wish you an insular moment to treasure.

My Favorite Christmas Joke (Rude)

Here's a little joke I've told over quite a few Christmas's. It's rude so be warned.

There aren't many new jokes in the world and this certainly isn't one of them but it can get a good laugh if the punchline is delivered correctly.

* * * *
So the dust bin (garbage) man was going around all the houses collecting his Christmas pressies.

He called to this attractive housewive's house and there she was, all done up in frilly under-garments and seductive spices.



She invited the bemused bin man into her living room and, without further ado, made mad passionate lurve to him right there on the living room floor.

When they were finished, and he was getting ready to go, she handed him a five euro note.

The bin man became quite emotional.

"I have to tell you", he said, "this is the best Christmas present I've ever been given."

"You can thank my husband for that," said the lady. "When he was going to work this morning, I asked him should I give the bin man a tenner for Christmas and he said...

... No, f**k him, give him five."

* * * *

Writing that reminds me of another favorite joke-for-telling which isn't Christmas-related but which does involve the garbage bin again. Both these jokes are infinitely better in the verbal tradition rather than written down so, if you've not falling about laughing, try telling them to yourself as you might tell it to somebody else and you may see the potential for smiles.

Oh - language differences - you need to know what a Wheelie Bin is. It's a fairly descriptive term anyway. Wikipedia says that Americans call it a "mobile garbage bin" or 'MGB' (that's so gonna spoil my joke) and you dear dear Canadian-folk tend to call it a 'Green Bin'.

It's a bin-with-wheels, jees!

Without further ado, here's number two, the 'Wheelie Bin Joke. I'm always grateful to my dear Sister-in-Law, Carrie, for telling me this one:

* * * *

So the waste-collection-company hired a man who had recently arrived from China. His job was to ensure that everybody put their Wheelie Bins outside their house at the correct time each week.

He took his job very seriously and was known to be quite belligerent with people who failed to get their bins out on time. The fact that he was still learning the language didn't always help

One collection-day, he came to a house with no bin outside. He knocked loudly on the door and a man came out. The man was wearing only shorts and was very very sunburned.

"Where you bin?" The wheelie-bin guy shouted.

"What?"

"Where you bin?"

The man smiled proudly, "I have been to Hawaii for three weeks."

"No no no no no... where you Wheelie Bin?"

The man deflated.

"All right," he said, "I fell asleep on the damn sun bed..."

* * * *

Anyone got a seasonal joke for me.?

Let's aim to maintain a loose PG13 rating, eh?