Silly Things I Think But Don’t Really Believe (or How Craig David Caused the Pandemic)

(Note – This is intended as a light-hearted piece. I don’t blame Craig David for anything. Really. 
Rock on, Craig)

Does everybody have them, or is it just me? Silly notions. I mean, stupid ideas. Things that are patently not true and obviously ridiculous but, yes, I still give them some tiny bit of room inside of my head. I have quite a few of them. A high proportion of them relate to rain. Let me give you a ‘for instance’.

If you go out in the rain when it’s dark, you don’t get as wet as you do when you go out in the rain in daylight.

There. That’s rubbish. It makes no sense at all. And yet… and yet… some small part of me thinks there just might possibly be the slightest modicum of truth in it… even though there patently isn’t and it’s just pure bullshit.

But, still, if you go out in the rain in the dark, you don’t seem to get quite so wet.

Here’s another one, also precipitation related. You won’t believe this one. Well, you won’t believe any of them, that’s kind of the point.

If you’re driving along and you put your windscreen-washers on, this can sometimes cause a rain shower to commence.



I know, right? Complete garbage. Except… haven’t you ever noticed it? It’s not raining, you randomly decide to give the old washers a squirt. Suddenly, from nowhere, it’s raining. Silly. Untrue. But might there just conceivably be something to it? And, if so, is it perhaps some random peek into some strange alternate world.

No! Of course not! Except…

The point of writing this post is that I have a new one of these. Well, not new exactly. In fact, it’s four weeks’ off being two years old. It’s not a spoiler if I tell you what it is because it’s right there up in the title. I have this sneaking suspicion that Craig David might be responsible for the Pandemic.

Let me explain, as much as I can (because it’s obviously just stupid).

On New Year’s Eve, in our house, we have a well-established tradition. We go nowhere and we do nothing. It’s wonderful. When it comes close to that time when the old year dies and the new one begins, we alternate between watching Jools Holland and his Hootenanny on BBC2 and whatever live gig/concert is being offered as bookends to the fireworks over on BBC1. It generally works very well. The concert is invariably someone who will entertain and not piss anyone off too much and Jools… well Jools is Jools, innit? We have a Babycham or two and wish each other a Happy New Year. Text messages hop around from people in much more exciting places, doing much more exciting things. We don’t care. As the oldish song goes, 'when you’re with me, next year will be the perfect year'.

And then, suddenly, there was Craig David…

December 31st 2019. Jools is in full swing. Let’s just flick over to Beeb One and see who they’ve got to tickle our musical tastebuds_

It’s Craig David.

Now I’ve got nothing against Craig David. He’s a very talented singer and musician and, by all accounts, a lovely man. And he’s got that song where he met the girl on a Monday and then apparently, they rogered each other for the rest of the week… or something like that. All very well. All very good.

But he didn’t fit the bill, not for me anyway. He didn’t meet the criteria for New Year’s Eve firework bookend entertainment. Not enough hits, not mainstream enough? I don’t really know. Lovely guy, great musician, just not for me, not on that night.

And I got the hump. Right there, as 2019 ran down to its inevitable demise, just because Craig David was on my telly box, burglarising my bliss. I got the hump, and I made a proclamation (they could have put on The Proclaimers, that would have been all right).

“2020,” I proclaimed, “that’s going to be one shitty year.”

So, yes, it’s rubbish and stupid and, yes, even a little mean but I still can’t quite shake the suspicion that Craig David caused the pandemic by appearing on BBC1 on New Year’s Eve and ticking me off a bit.

No sense to it, no logic at all, but still…

Plus, I see it’s started raining outside. Did someone put their windscreen washers on?


Marc Paterson said...

Ken, I believe you.

Jim Murdoch said...

Craig David… right. It wasn’t till you started on about him being a talented singer I realised you weren't talking about Craig Charles who is not so well known for his singing. I have no idea who Craig David is.

But I do get the whole inviting doom into your life and, to this day, would never deliberately step on a crack in the pavement.

Going to leave it there. Am all caught up and that afternoon nap is a-calling.